SilentWarriors.net Military Family Community

SW Guides: Social Skills

(Husband asks) "Honey, we have a Hail and Farewell to go to next week, and then Captain Lennings invited us over for coffee next Saturday."
(Wife thinks...) What??? How do I dress? Do I call them to say thank you? What if I can't go?"
(Wife SAYS) "Oh sure, honey...that sounds great!"

Knowing what to do in social situations is a must for a military spouse. This section is devoted to helping you make the right decisions and teach some customs and courtesies.

Different Events

You might find yourself at:

Dining In- Traditional dinner for military members of an organization or unit.

Dining Out- Same as dining in, but spouses, family members, and guests are invited.

Receiving Lines- A formal way for a host or hostess to greet guests and to introduce dignitaries in the line.

Let's stop here for a moment and talk about receiving lines....
It is very important to be punctual to a receiving line, for many times a unit will all go through together. It also allows participants in the line to have time to enjoy the informal portion of the event.

Remember these simple rules:

• NO food, drinks, or cigarettes in the line.
• The lady always preceeds the gentleman. (except at Air Force or White House functions) Even if the couple is dual military, ladies first.
• Give your name to the Aide or Adjutant at the beginning of the line, but do not shake his/her hand. Many times you will find the aide has his/her hands behind their back to avoid confusion.
• If you happen to be in the receiving line, try to keep names in mind. If a woman named Janet Jones-Smith comes through, don't introduce her as Janet Smith. If you did not hear a name, or maybe have trouble pronouncing the name, it is appropriate to ask the person to repeat their name.
• Perhaps you know someone in the line, and they want to talk to you while going through. Remember that part of your job is to keep the line going, so politely stop the conversation. (ex. "Hey, it is so great seeing you here, I want to talk more later. After dinner?")

Your name will be passed on down the line, but be sure to reintroduce yourself if there is a problem. A simple cordial greeting is appropriate.

Hail and Farewell- A function to welcome newcomers and say goodbye to those leaving. They range from office get-togethers, to formal events. Spouses are invited.

Teas- The most formal activity during the day, usually from about 2 pm to 4 pm. A dress or suit is worn. It is a great honor to be asked to "pour." A formal pouring schedule is normally used.

Coffee- A more informal or casual function that may be held anytime, normally between wives in the same unit, or groups.

How to Dress

The way you dress depends on what the invitation reads. If in doubt- call the hostess.

Formal- Long or short formal gown for a ball or dance. Formal is defined by length where a long formal is to the floor, and a short formal is calf or ankle length. It matters not how "glitzy" a gown is, as long as it is proper length. A long dress, or blouse/skirt set is appropriate for a dinner.

Informal- A dressy suit or dress.

Coat and Tie- Simple dress, blouse/skirt set, pantsuit- a little dressier than work clothing.

Casual- Simple dress, blouse/skirt set, pantsuit.

Very casual- Slacks, jeans, blouse, sweater...you may even be told shorts but NO cut-offs!

One word of advice

When you are attending a military formal function, try to keep within the traditions of said events when you choose your gown. While no one will tell you that you can not wear whatever you wish to, it is considered a form of respect to dress properly. I have added this because for over 3 years now, I have witnessed "inappropriate" dresses at formal events and each time the woman was in some way embarrassed while there, and one had her pics posted in an email. I would like to point some of these things out to help you in your quest for the perfect gown. Again, I want to stress that I am not telling anyone what they can or can not wear, only to encourage you to give the event you are attending the proper respect, as well as keep your out of a potentially embarrassing situation.

So, without further or due, or much eloquence I will get down to business.

• Ladies wear your undergarments.
• If you can not wear them because of the dresses cut, buy pasties.
• If your gown prevents you from wearing anything, you may want to choose another gown.
• Check your neckline to assure you are not giving the crowd too much of a show.
• Make sure the "plunge" in the back does not make you look like the plumbers cousin.
• Sheer fabrics are fine as long as they are not the *only* fabric covering your "personals."
• Practice moving in front of a mirror while in your gown- boogie down and make sure you will not expose things while on the dance floor.

Whew- that is over with. Most sites will not go into this kind of detail, or mention these things, but ladies, I have seen some great women humiliated by "showing" things unintentionally, and believe me, people noticed. I would *prefer* that no one took offense to this section, but instead took this advice and applied it as deemed necessary, knowing it came from a caring source. With that, have a great formal, and don't shoot the messenger. :)

Invitations

Responding to invitations

It is important to remain courteous to a hostess by responding to an invitation both in the manner specified, and in a timely manner, usually within 48 hours.

RSVP- French abbreviation for "respondez s'il vous plait" or in plain English- please respond. If this is on your invitation, reply within 48 hours and let your hostess know if you plan to attend or not.

Regrets Only- Reply in a reasonable amount of time only if you plan not to attend. If you do not respond at all the hostess will count on your attending.

If you first respond the an invitation and then find later your situation changes, please inform your hostess. For example, if you can not go, and then later find you can, do not just show up. Inform your hostess, for she may have adjusted the evening to your absence, and your showing up might cause problems. Many times you will find that you are still welcomed.

It is certainly appropriate to reciprocate an invitation. You shouldn't feel you should match what your hostess provided, but try to do something nice for them.

Thank-you notes
Try to always send your hostess a thank you note as soon as possible after a function. The following are guidelines to help you in writing your thank you notes.

• Address note to the hostess only.
• Only the person writing the note signs it.
• Send the note promptly.

Be sure to include the following in your note:

• Sentence or two about meal, or whatever was served.
• Address the hospitality, and then the mention the host.
• Include a final sentence again expressing your thanks, and a formal compliment.

Below is an example to go by.

December 10, 1999

Dear Mrs. Jameson,

Chad and I thank you and Captain Jameson for having us over for dinner last Tuesday. We enjoyed the dishes you made, especially the carrot cake. It was nice meeting other spouses in the unit. Thank you for thinking of us.
Sincerely,

Mikayla Daniels

Notice that:

• She included the date
• She wrote it by hand
• She included her husband in the note (Chad)
• She also mentioned the host (CPT Jameson)
• She talked about what she liked

Thank you note tip! Keep a blank set of thank-you-notes in your glove box, already stamped. Upon leaving a social, fill out the card while the events are still fresh in your mind, and while you have the address handy, and drop it in a post office drop box upon returning home.